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Saturday, June 18, 2016

Death and How I Choose To Grieve

I know this blog is typically for my reviews and a few tutorials along the way, but I felt the need to share with all of you what is happening in my life right now. There are people that you are close to and then there are those people who you can't stand to lose.

August will be two years since I lost my dad to cancer. I watched him suffer for 8 years before God called him home. Selfishly I begged to get him back, to make myself feel better, never thinking about how the quality of life would be for him.

I went through anger, denial, grief. Asking God to take me instead, knowing nothing would bring him back. Daddy's little girl had to accept that daddy was gone. But I can't..I really can't. I mourn him every single day. Not one day goes by that I don't think about and miss him.

Every Father's day, Veteran's day, Birthday, and Christmas comes and goes without him. I still get a gift for him every single year for all the holidays. It's always something for my mom, "from him." I know it seems silly, but it makes us both feel better, even though nothing will ever heal our broken hearts.

A few minutes ago, I found out that my grandma was given a week to live. All the same things are rushing to me. Why not me instead? Why...why...why My head is swirling and I feel like there is a knife in my chest. I am totally devastated. I was very close with my grandma before she moved hours away.

I know it's not about me, or my kids, or mom, it is about my grandma, but it still breaks my heart. Acceptance is something I am usually forced into and this isn't something that you accept very easily. I am 33. I suppose I just need to be happy that I got this long with my dad and with my grandma, but I can't help wishing that we had more time.

Everyone grieves differently and I may not be doing it the right way in your eyes, but I am doing it the only way I know how. I haven't had to deal with this very much in my life, and I know it will only get worse as I age.

From here on out, life will be filled with heartbreak all around me. Everyone is getting older and their days are coming. You always hear and see the memes on Facebook about loving those around you because tomorrow is never promised.

I understand that now and I am ready to start doing that. All I can do is get through the best I can and hope that I get to enjoy my tomorrow as well. It's raining now, but the rainbows will come out again...someday down the road.

To everyone who has lost a parent, grandparent, child, spouse etc. my heart goes out to you. I sadly know what you are going through. Please just keep going. You are loved, it's very hard...a pain that never goes away. But someday, you will start to feel like yourself again, like you can smile and be happy without the guilt. Make it to that day!

How do you grieve and do you have any tips or advice that may help me in starting this journey again? My mind is going in a million different directions and I know a few of you have went through this before. With that being said, I want to thank all of you who are readers of the blog. This blog and reviews keep my mind off of everything. I love you all!

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